April 30, 2013

Work is good, I'm lucky to have an engaging job. I am extremely busy and that helps take my mind off of things. I don't have enough hours to do what I have to do, so I work until around six and then stop. Nevertheless, with the Blackberry and notifications, work never really stops. That is a good thing.

April 29, 2013

Time to start dealing with stuff I put into storage. Going to donate a ton of clothes and shoes to charity. I gave away things to daughter and grand-daughter. I still have an extensive Coach bag collection. Someone told me go on E-Bay. You can even consign it to a local seller. Nah, just going to see if relatives want good stuff.

April 28, 2013

Just be thankful for what you've got
Though you may not drive a great big Cadillac
Diamond in the back, sunroof top
Diggin' the scene With a gangsta lean

gangsta lean: 1.Leaning, with your right hand on the wheel,out the window, with rap blastin' out the speakers, and bouncin' to the beat.

diamond in the back: Refers to the vintage 1970-1980 Cadillac series. The rear windows had a diamond shape.

 William De Vaughn, Be Thankful for What You Got.Came on XM radio yesterday. Part of my musical education thanks to her. Still have her incredible R & B collection. Yes, Be Thankful For What You Got.

April 27, 2013

Saturday, Wash Day. Up early, two loads. Some stuff is drying outside on a rack. Got this down to a science.

April 26, 2013

Had another dream with her in it and this involved Sex. Unusual in that it was again a sort of alternate reality, involving something new and not part of our past. It wasn't memory and it wasn't a fantasy. We were both very open and relaxed with our feelings. Don't know where or why this dream occurred but the sub-conscious does what it does.

April 25, 2013

I had a dream last night, the first with her in it. It was odd but not troubling. Sort of an alternate reality. We were both younger and we were meeting several years after breaking up. I was flirting with her and she wanted nothing to do with that but was curious as to how I was making out. Odd, because it never happened, we never broke up, or stopped seeing each other.

April 24, 2013

I sometimes find myself reflecting over the years of my marriage. It was good, not perfect but overall the best way I could have spent my time. We didn't socialize very much but we did many things together. We enjoyed each other's company.

April 23, 2013

So my quotidian life goes on. It keeps the same structure, balance and activity except she is not with me. I find myself saying "She would have enjoyed this." I realize more than ever that every moment is precious and to try and enjoy the simple pleasures around me. This is going to take time, I understand that.

April 22, 2013

Keep up routines, they are important. I also note that my life is the same, I'm living a married man's life without being married. I work, come home and don't go out. That's the way I'm coping now, don't know if I'll change it. It is hard to do different things after living a certain style for over twenty-five years. You also lack the desire and energy to do something else. I am grateful for a demanding job, it keeps me engaged and takes my mind off of things - another coping mechanism.

April 21, 2013

I get asked how the boys and I are doing. My answer: we are persevering.

PERSEVERE: Continue in a course of action even in the face of difficulty or with little or no indication of success.

April 20, 2013

Saturday is my laundry or wash day. Funny, I am doing what she used to do, scrounging for Quarters all week so I don't have to use the roll of quarters.

April 19, 2013

The Road we take is solitary for now. My grief is my own and it is not shared.

April 18, 2013

My tears dry on their own, and in their own time.

April 17, 2013

I start the morning off with Coffee and it is a little stronger when I make it. Food remains mostly the same since I did most of the cooking. Unfortunately, I never got her Fried Chicken Recipe. I know it involved Goya Adobe, Paprika and Garlic Powder. Same for Fried Fish. Should have asked her. I did replicate her Macaroni and Cheese. The boys say it is close but hers was better. I do not taste the difference. Turns out she had a recipe on the Fridge and after two failed tries I nailed it. The secret: More Cheese.

The recipe from a Creamette's Pasta Box:
2 cups elbow macaroni
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1 teaspoon dry mustard
1 teaspoon salt
2 1/2 cups milk
2 cups sharp cheddar cheese, shredded ( I make this Four Cups)

Directions:
Preheat oven to 375 degrees.
Cook macaroni in 5 quarts boiling water for 8 minutes. Drain macaroni.
In medium saucepan, melt butter.
Stir in flour, mustard, and salt. Gradually stir in milk. Cook and stir until mixture thickens slightly.
Add 2 1/3 cups cheese to milk mixture and stir until melted.
Stir in macaroni.
turn into greased 2 quart baking dish.
Top with remaining cheese.
Bake 20-25 minutes or until bubbly.

April 16, 2013

Funny, but I had so many pillows and did not need them. I put the others by the side and then filled up the other side of the bed. You spend over 26 years with someone next to you as you sleep. It almost feels like someone is next to you. I have no problem sleeping and this pillow thing makes me laugh.

April 15, 2013

Well, it has been over five months since the death of my wife from Uterine Cancer. It was a long, difficult struggle but we lived and enjoyed ourselves until the last month. I am still reeling but still following initial Mantras that I gave my two sons, ages 25 and 20: Stay Groomed, Keep up Routines and Stay Busy.

We were married twenty-six years and dated for four years before that.

I have kept busy cleaning out the apartment, putting her clothes and shoes (an incredible amount) in storage for eventual donation to charity. I realize that the keep busy part is a coping mechanism. This catches me when I am driving to work or at Mass. The times I have to myself and my thoughts. The grief comes and I almost start crying. I shake it off and deal with it. If you are alone, that is when it comes. Luckily, I go to sleep easily, though sometimes I wake up early and stay up.

I am living the same life, just not with her. The food remains the same since I did most of the cooking. I went away to College, so I know how to do a Wash. Two Loads every Saturday.