May 31, 2013

Just received a Pay raise. Been a long time, over five years. Will get a retroactive stipend in two weeks. Mad money. Will spend half and use half to pay down bills. Things are looking much better financially but as I have learned, your health is your greatest asset. I know if she were with me, we'd go out and have some fun.

May 30, 2013

Had a dream last night about haggling with a debt collector about paying my wife's bills. My Wife had considerable Credit Card Debt. It expired when she did. I did have to deal with some companies that pick up the debt and ask you to pay. I do know that only the Estate is liable for payment and if things are held jointly or left to one as a beneficiary then the Estate is not involved. I refused to talk to these collection people because they tape the encounter. I did advise them I would accept any correspondence. My letters stated: " I am her surviving spouse. There is no Estate. Please note that I am not personally liable for payment of the decedent's debts, nor am I assuming responsibility for them."

May 29, 2013

Puttering around and doing a little cleaning just doesn't cut it in the long run. Have to do another big cleaning job which includes mopping the kitchen and the bathrooms. Of course,I have to wait for the house to be empty. Maybe this weekend. Still have to donate the stuff in storage, the original plan was to do it in three months. It is now going on six and it costs $126 a month. New target date : by end of July.

May 28, 2013

Another dream, she thought I was supposed to meet her a ball-field in New Jersey. I met my son in a diner. The Diner owner was complaining about Unions giving him trouble. She called me to wonder where I was and I told her we were supposed to meet at a Diner and our son was there. We left the Diner to get her.

Don't have any idea as to what this means. It was a realistic dream and not a reenactment from something that happened.

May 27, 2013

Memorial Day and I am up early. Will pick up some fish and Boston Market (50% of Family Meals.) I will remember my Father a WW II Veteran as well as my mother and my wife. Holidays bring some sadness but they also bring good memories of the past.

May 26, 2013

As Memorial Day comes around, I think of Time. It used to be Everything was Summer, all thoughts to doing things and vacation. Now I see the time as precious and try to enjoy each day. Still, I will do Summer things. Going to see Comedy of Errors this week and Big Apple BBQ coming up. It will be a disconcerting doing these things alone or without her but not doing them is senseless.

May 25, 2013

Today is wash day and De-Clutter day. Have to do a lot and I will be using Beer as my fuel. Also, starting the indoor BBQ for Memorial Day. Can't believe I received a Boston Market 50% off Family meal Coupon for Monday. I will be trying their ribs, perfect timing

May 24, 2013

Memorial day weekend coming at the end of a good week. Work stuff worked out, lots of effort and inspiration led to a great conclusion. When I was younger, this was the start of Summer and Beach Houses. You only lived for the weekends and they were as good a time as any. Don't miss them, living a different lifestyle now but I'm glad to have experienced what I did and can look back fondly.

May 23, 2013

Got my mojo working
Got my mojo working, but it just won't work on you.

Still not there yet, but I'm working on it.

May 22, 2013

Gotta get my Mojo back. It's missing. Sad to see that Ray Manzarak has passed. Can't believe the AP obituary called his organ solo in Light My Fire "creepy."

May 21, 2013

No doubt I am lonely, but I am getting by. Work and doing the parent thing keeps me engaged and busy. Some nights I am so tired, I fall asleep on the couch. I remember other times in my life when I was alone and I got through it. I have a much deeper understanding of time and how not to waste it. Every moment can be meaningful, you have to learn to appreciate the things you take for granted.

May 20, 2013

The thing I miss the most is the companionship. You would think that Sex would be missed, and I do miss it, but it pales next to the basic day to day interactions.

There is not enough celebration of companionship. Relationships aren't just about eroticism and sexuality.
Francesca Annis

May 19, 2013

Dreary , rainy day. Still bummed out from the Knicks loss last night. Today, I'll give Blood and buy a Laptop. No connection, just what I'm doing. Will also do a lot of cleaning and picking up clutter. Keeping busy.

May 18, 2013

Laundry Day, Greenmarket Day, Shopping Day , I need a Beer Day. Funny, I am not drinking very much, everything in moderation. I didn't have a drop through the hospitalization and after she died, I kept dry for about two months. Need a Victory beer tonight with the Knicks.

May 17, 2013

Different holidays bring back different memories and now Sumer Is Icumen In. Events that we used to attend yearly are coming up: Shakespeare in the Park, Big Apple BBQ, Summer Restaurant Week and Winery Tours. Already set up the BBQ visit with a fast pass and Shakespeare will be with my brother and my niece. Life goes on and you can't stop doing things you enjoy.

May 16, 2013

I still have a lot of cleaning and organizing to do. I had stopped and now this weekend I will start again. I still have stuff in storage I plan to give to charity.There is still a lot of clutter to be attended to.

May 15, 2013

My road is going forward but I don't really know my destination. I think of the times we had and am grateful for them. We didn't have too many pictures of just the two of us. I found some the other day and put it in a frame at work. She took a great picture, always smiling. I also have a real old one on my phone. You shouldn't live on memories but you can't ignore them when they come,

May 14, 2013

Had another dream with her in it. We were by the ocean. She walked away and I could see from a distance that she went into the ocean with her clothes on. I later found her in a house shivering, she was so happy that I found her. Don't know what it means, I do remember the shoreline was very tight and I had to climb down a ladder to reach the shore. Reminded me a little of Cape Cod, which we had visited over twenty years ago.

May 13, 2013

 Well, I don't feel that bad. Yesterday was rough. Today seems ok, have to keep upbeat, no other way to be when you think about it.

May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day. No more Mothers for me, will celebrate anyway with Mimosas, Godiva and Egg Sandwiches. Happy Mother's Day Mom and the Mother of my children. I love you both, and I miss you both.

May 11, 2013

As I do today's wash, three loads, I think about retirement. I can do it right now, but I won't. After a loss, the advice is don't do anything drastic for at least a year. I am keeping to that and it just happens that a year from the event, I qualify for a full pension. I'll probably keep working but it will be nice to know it is there. I may leave my current job and do something less stressful but who knows ? Sometimes I like the stress, keeps you on your toes.

May 10, 2013

TGIF. Will be 80 degrees, Summer is coming. Time to play Summer Songs. Been a tough week, going to be a good weekend, I know it.

May 9, 2013

She used to do the finances, she was a former V.P. of a bank. I bought Quicken and got used to doing it. I saw my Insurance was a little low and just jacked it up. My job allows very reasonable Term insurance and I passed the physical. All things are in order, have to pay down some bills but overall in good financial shape. I now realize we should have talked more about "What if ?". She always said I would do better than she would. Don't know about that, but adversity does sharpen your wits.

May 8. 2013

Today's NYT crossword reminds me that this Sunday is Mother's Day. I am going to quietly celebrate with Mimosas , Godiva and Take-Out Breakfast. The way we used to celebrate.

May 7, 2013

A wise man is content with his lot, whatever it may be, without wishing for what he has not. — Lucius Annaeus Seneca

 My readings in Roman philosophy took me at one time to Seneca. A stoic, although he was accused of not practicing what he preached. My lot in life is what it is, I can't change it, I am trying to accept it and still have a meaningful life.

May 6, 2013

This is the time of the year when I suffer. Tree and Grass Pollen are my banes. I also get hit in Mid-June. Right now, my eyes hurt, my nose is running and I am constantly sneezing. Will I take anything ? No. My wife used to get on me to take something. I prefer to live with it as a passing storm. It will eventually go away. Same thing with my grief, I will suffer and it will eventually go away. It will come back seasonally, but no constant pain.

May 5, 2013

I am searching for answers and I do not know if I will find them. I'm still busy with work and the keeping up of the household. But, I don't know where I will be in my life Five to Six months down the line. Maybe the same, who knows.

May 4, 2013

Maybe it is the Knick win or it is the rebound day after being a little down. I feel upbeat today. Guess my body found some Seotonin:

"For all the intricacy, serotonin in the brain has a basic personality. “It’s a molecule involved in helping people cope with adversity, to not lose it, to keep going and try to sort everything out,” said Philip J. Cowen, a serotonin expert at Oxford University and the Medical Research Council. In the fine phrase of his Manchester University colleague Bill Deakin, “it’s the ‘Don’t panic yet’ neurotransmitter,” said Dr. Cowen."

May 3, 2013

I am trying hard to live in the moment and not in the past. Difficult because my life of routines and patterns remains the same but missing an important piece. I know I have to move on and live. Every day , I receive an E-Mail with an inspirational quote. This one stuck with me:

Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.- Joshua J. Marine

May 2, 2013

Been down the past two days but shaking it off. This morning , I feel upbeat. No particular reason, probably just ebbs and flows of emotions. Can't explain the swings but the best part is that they are not too low or too high.

May 1, 2013

I've been trying to keep my life on an even keel. Not too down, not too up. The roller coaster of emotions sometimes gives you upswings.

I looked up "even keel" and incredibly it had the following: on an even keel - calm and not likely to change suddenly: My main priority is to keep my life on an even keel for the sake of my two boys.

Wow, that is a coincidence. I am keeping an even keel for the sake of my two boys.

The above picture is the reminder of the nautical term: A situation in which the boat is level and balanced for a smooth ride.